Talking to Your Children About Family Change

EXPERT ADVICE TO HELP YOU HELP YOUR CHILDREN

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INTRODUCTION

Talking to your children about divorce or family reorganization is challenging. There’s no one size fits all approach. Advice from leading experts, as summarized below, can help.

TIPS FROM THE EXPERTS

1. Talking to your children about divorce or family reorganization is a series of conversations, not a one-time event. Your children will have ongoing questions about what is happening, why it is happening and how it will affect their lives.

2. Don’t keep divorce or family reorganization a secret from your children or wait until the last minute to tell them. Once you’ve decided the marriage or relationship is over, talk to your children. Talk to them even if you and your spouse/partner continue to live under thee same roof. Children may sense a change and need to know what’s going on, otherwise, they’ll make sense—or rather non-sense of it—on their own. They also need time to prepare for the changes ahead.

3. Make a plan with your spouse/partner and present a united front. Talk privately with your spouse/partner about what you’re going to tell your children. Be ready to answer questions like where your children will live, who will pick them up from school, etc. Your children will also want to know why the family is changing. Be ready with a child-appropriate explanation. Resist the urge to blame your spouse/partner, even if there’s infidelity, mental health issues or drug use. Stay in control of your emotions. Let the other parent take the lead, if necessary. Children need to know that you and your spouse/partner can take care of yourselves. Otherwise, they may try to take care of you at the expense of their own health and happiness.

4. Be mindful of timing. The less disruptive these conversations are, the better. Before bedtime or school is not a good idea. Weekends are usually best. This gives your children time to process the news.

5. Use age-appropriate language. Be simple and direct. Avoid using metaphors or half-truths. Take extra care to not share adult information. For toddlers and preschoolers, it’s usually enough to say that you and your spouse/partner are getting a divorce and won’t be living together anymore. They may or may not have questions. Older children will will have more questions and want more information. They probably have friends whose parents are divorced or no longer live together. This may be a good segue to talk about your family’s situation and how your children’s lives will stay the same and be different.

*If you have children of different ages, first talk to them as a group. Use language that’s appropriate for the youngest child. Follow-up as soon as possible with older children. They’ll want more information.

6. Tell your children divorce or family reorganization isn’t their fault. Otherwise, they may blame themselves. This is addressed in film clip below from the documentary “Split.”

7. Admit that divorce or family reorganization is a sad and distressing experience for everyone. Your family is in this together. You, your spouse/partner and your children will be OK. Divorce or family reorganization is one of life’s many challenges. Model for your children how to handle this challenge appropriately.

8. Reassure your children that you and your spouse/partner love them and will always be their parents. It may be helpful to explain that romantic love is fickle. It may come and go—like it has for you and your spouse/partner—but a parent’s love—like you and your spouse/partner have for your children—lasts forever.

9. Don’t discuss your spouse/partner’s faults or problems with the children. Your children’s adjustment depends on how well you and your spouse/partner communicate and cooperate with each other as parents. Children need both parents. To show respect for your children’s relationship with the other parent:

(1) don’t speak badly about your spouse/partner in front of your children;

(2) don’t put your children in a position where they have to choose sides;

(3) don’t argue or discuss child support issues, custody, and parenting time issues in front of your children;

(4) don’t pump your children for information about your spouse/partner; and

(5) don’t use your children as pawns to hurt your spouse/partner.

10. Tell your children’s teachers, school counselors and doctors about your family’s divorce or reorganization. They can observe your children, notify you of any concerns and provide mental health recommendations, if necessary. You should also be monitoring your children for signs of distress. Signs vary depending on the age of your children. Young children may react by withdrawing or by exhibiting aggressive behaviors. Older children may feel deep sadness. Often their schoolwork suffers and they have behavior problems. Teenagers may experience poor self-esteem and have difficulties in their own relationships.

CONCLUSION

These tips ask a lot of you. Be gentle on yourself. Gather around your support team, including grounded family members and friends, a beloved pet, trusted clergy and counselors/therapists.

Rickett Law (RL) would be honored to join your team. To learn how RL can help, click on the “Contact RL” button below.